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Sep. 5th, 2011

(no subject)

this day blows

Feb. 4th, 2011

(no subject)

Sometimes I really hate my life. I hate living.

Jan. 14th, 2011

how messed up is this?


Jan. 5th, 2011

(no subject)

i failed most of my classes last semester so I am re taking them this semester. I lost my financial aid. Alec is going to be working more so he can pay our bills since my aid money isn't coming in. I feel like I am not making progress in life, and I'm not going to feel any better any time soon since I will be in these classes AGAIN all semester. I feel stupid and lazy. and poor.

Nov. 5th, 2010

angry recovered bulimic nerd

I used to like to run a lot. I felt it was something that I was good at. Not excellent, but better than the average person. I used to run around town and in the gym, until someone told me I ran funny. At first I let it go, but then I kept getting comments on how funny I ran. It started to get to me, but I still wanted to try and run a few races. I completed a triathlon knowing I ran funny, I gave up on the run but still placed fourth, eleventh over all. After the race I kept running here and there, training for a half marathon. I felt pretty good- fat, but athletic and healthy. The weather became cooler so I went to the gym to run, where I was told I ran hard... and that I could be heard throughout the gym with my massive steps- and the gym was pretty big. I noticed people looking at me, I became paranoid that I was running wrong and everyone had thought i was an idiot. I felt like an idiot for not knowing exactly how 'hard' i ran. When I walk on treadmills or sidewalks it's loud, even when I try to step lightly I can't. Eventually I stopped training at the gym at all, and then only went at night where i couldn't be seen. There were always parties at night, so I quit running all together. I was registered to run the half marathon, but I- unlike the rest of society- wasn't born with the skill of running. I'm like a dog who can't swim.

anyway, I quit running. I quit exercising at all because I know that I also swim funny. I'm fast at swimming, faster than most fast people even, but I can't swim. People laugh at my technique.

Because I suck at life, I am prone to knee, hip, ankle, and shoulder injuries when I do exercise. Now I am sedentary and depressed. Exercise also brings weight gain, which I know from experience. I am already a large woman, I don't want to add any more extra weight on. So fuck exercising.

(no subject)

i don't understand victoria's secret pink line... it tells you to party, but the line is all pajamas and sweats. party in sweatshirts and underpants? I wish we could.

Dec. 4th, 2008

things I'm slightly aware of

obama prank called someone, obama got a hair cut. he wants a dog. his kid likes to finger paint. his wife is outfitted in beautiful dresses and hairstyles- buy them!, she likes jello. it's everywhere. has any other president been exploited like this? i don't remember their faces on every magazine... Clinton was the last I remember, but gracing covers for dirt instead of praise. Speaking of Clinton, it's too bad those days are over. These days it's kind of like we are digging our own graves- that's the bottom of it anyway. Not to say there aren't many positive sides to our current state, to me at least there are. I enjoy people being knocked down in financial status, it brings us closer to each other. Finally I am not alone!

Seriously though, I enjoy the humbleness that comes with recession. I feel less like someone might kill me at any moment- though I don't really have any good reasons for the anticipation of that other than paranoia :-P

i'm tired of seeing Obama's smiling face. I feel he's mocking us, as if there is something he always knew, some magical fix for the country he's been hoarding. He speaks of his plan as if it's going to solve the worlds problems. If this is actually the case, I say bring it on- impress me, let us see that you're leadership is what we've been needing. Unfortunately, thank you to checks and balances "change" doesn't really mean much at all. Perhaps since we're in a bad state the government will be willing to "change" in radical ways. given our history, it's unlikely.

on different note, what the fuck. I need a drink. I've been compulsively spending lately. It's not bad, only 20$ on a shirt that I'd die for (vanity :)!) and a bathrobe (7.99 black Friday!)... but I am not supposed to spend anything at all. I guess girls will be girls though :D

I have a NEW GOAL. It's to do something I have hardly done in the past- TAKE A RISK
such as interviewing for jobs I THINK I can't get or asking for a promotion.
For me goals don't mean today or tomorrow, they're a process. in truth I probably won't do this for a few weeks, slowly working my way up to it.

nom nom nom we are at almost two months and counting of no purges. I did binge last while on my sleep medication, I woke up hoping it was a dream. better days will come.

I love love love my livejournal friends. I am sorry I don't go on too much, I miss it.

I think I should have a funeral for the comma i use it too much. i really want to put it after the word comma (there again too!) but it's dead for the moment.

Nov. 21st, 2008

(no subject)

i'm trying not to let my life pass me by.
i need to find what i want again, it's changed. i wanted a home and kids and a dog, but not anymore... not yet anyway

i want to do something extraordinary, or as close as i can get.

i have a gargantuan cranium :-P

Nov. 13th, 2008


"I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some bline, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise."

Nov. 9th, 2008

mmm hmmm

i am submissive and such, sort of disappeared for the night... it comes on strong sometimes.
i'd like to shut up and enjoy being nothing without the fear.

man i thought a drink might shake it, but the solution just added to the problem and left me wanting to be loved... (in my pants).

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